give

hmm.

I guess i'm home. Edinburgh, Scotland.

My body is here but everything else isn't yet.

Kind of just been in abit of a trance since Tuesday night. A combination of tiredness, loneliness, broken heartedness, emptiness and any other suitable -ness. Sleep seem to come at strange times and not particularly when I want it to come. Between 5 and 8am is not the time to be awake and thinking. Instead, i want to be asleep so that I don't need to think or feel or anything.
Daytime just seems to be filled with boredom. Sitting in watching tv or trying to read material relevent to this course I'm starting soon but in the end I just seem to be faffing about not really doing anything of note and it's these times when I drift back to Korea, to Cheonan and what I should be doing there. What I should be planning or organising or saying. I wonder how long that will last...

The actual process of leaving. Not enjoyable. At times, worse than I thought but at other times, it was better than I thought. The leaving of my apartment, the locking of the door was the easy part. So was the getting into the taxi to the Train Station /i don't do long bus trips/ even the getting on the train was o.k. It was the run up to all that and the intervening bits that were less than pleasant.

The worst being the morning and a phone call from a certain young women. It started of o.k. but then descended into a...well...lets just say that the phone call had to be stopped and I couldn't call back. I knew that would happen. I knew it. I would have liked to have seen her - just a hug or something - but clearly that was always going to be unlikely no matter how much I would have liked to and no matter how much of a state it would have put me in. And that is probably it. I asked if it I would ever see her again. 'I don't know' was the answer...

Perhaps a full in depth comment on the leaving will appear but I still can't quite get round the fact that it's happened. All this is really happening. Would quite like to disappear completely but what good would that do. Perhaps, I'll get round to that all important paragraph that explains everything. The mythical paragraph.

So, this will be the last posting from the comfort of my own apartment. My internet connection gets pulled tomorrow...

So, this really is it. It's actually happening. After 4.5 years the end is on the horizon.

3 months ago could I have envisaged this?
No.
It's not meant to end like this.
It's meant to be some kind of Hollywood ending, isn't it with everything looking good and smiley and perfect. The reality though is not that at all.

Of course, everybody wants the happy ending but...I'm still waiting for it. The eternal optimist, hoping against hope that everything will be o.k. I've got that final scene from the film 'Before Sunset' looming large. 2 people meet again in Paris after having only spent an evening together 7 or 8 years previously. This time, they only have 3 hours until he needs to get on a plane back to America. They talk, they laugh, they get angry, they question, they regret...and then just as it's getting to the critical time for him to be making his way back to the airport, they go to her house. He is sitting on the sofa. She sings one of her own songs. She then plays some CD. A soul song - Nina Simone or something - and then she kind of starts dancing as if she is there alone. She completely encapulsated by the song. And he's just sitting there in awe of this women. She tells him that he has to go and catch his plane. He just gazes at her with a hint of a smile...and that's it. The end of the movie. You don't know if he stays or goes. And that's the beauty of it. There is no right or wrong ending. It's upto to you to decide.

I think he stays.

He stays and I go. haha. It's not even funny.

anyway, I can't believe this is happening.
My time is running out.
....
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come on over and dance with me/

Ascension

I could be sitting for hours here attempting some kind of summation but I don't have hours and I can't really think of an all encompassing paragraph that would explain or justify or make things clearer or even make things o.k.

I'll go with the 'facts' 1st.
Boxes have been packed and sent home. 8 in total. Clothesandbooks andcd's. And that's about all actually. The 'rest'...not really sure. Some if it will be staying in the apartment, some given to others with the non-essential items getting chucked. I suppose I have a suitcase worth of stuff to physically carry back.

The long walk up and finally down the hill at University and inbetween the visiting of offices to say...would like to have seen some of my students again alas, it being the 1st week back, not everyone is around. Perhaps that was best though...

Ticket has been bought and collected. Seoul-Tokyo-Heathrow-Edinburgh. A short cut that takes me further East to then take me west haha the irony.

Internet and telephones have been cancelled and will finally expire on Monday. Bills and rent paid. Even the tv is cancelled and paid. She made sure of that.

Just have the waiting to contend with. Seems like I'm always waiting. For something.

+interest

I read this book about an old bloke who is diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease - a condition that essentially turns your body to stone. A long death in which your lungs are the last to go. After the Doctor had told him the 'news', he left the Docotors surgery and walked out onto the street. To his disbelief, eveything was the same. The cars kept driving up and down as did the buses. People continued about their business, some talking on mobiles others listened to music. It's as if nobody cared about this guy and the news that he had just received. The most important news he had ever received. Life continued regardless.

And that's it, it does continue regardless or irrespective of what's happening to xy or z person.

i.d.

Now is the time I should be making my way to the 1st class of the new semester. Full of excitement and nervousness for what lies ahead. Who is in my class? How many do I have? How many will turn up? What's the classroom like? Have I got all my stuff for class?

And I'm not. I'm at home having coffee lamenting I'm not over there. I should be relieved I'm not over there, taking class. I'm neither happy nor sad about it. Just disappointed.

What a mess. What a f__kin mess.

Another late night ahead. Just feels like it's going to happen. I can kind of tell within 5 or 10 minutes of going to bed whether or not I'm going to get to sleep. If some drastic thoughts don't materialise, then I'm fine and sleep envelopes me. quickly. Tonight though, it hasn't happened.

So, where do I begin...changed the blog name about 3 weeks ago. Only 1 person has noticed. Surely a sign that all this is a non-entity and that I'm writing only for myself but then who would read the stuff that I write hahaha.

I'm hot, tired and somewhat unhappy. A friend of mine told me to snap out of it. She's right, she often is. I know I have to but putting theory into practice is not my strong point. I'd like to but unfortunatly I am not an uncaring robot with no feelings although she'll argue that that is not true based on the summer thus far.

I'm pencilling in the 29/30th of August to depart. I'm at the point of wanting to go now/ tomorrow as there isn't anything left for me apart from the essentials like paying bills and getting paid. Will be crass by suggesting that saying goodbye isn't really high on my list 'to do's' currently. I'd rather not do all that face-to-face, it's too hard and I think the old stiff upper lip will not withstand the pressure. It hasn't upto now and I'm not going anywhere yet.

My office is 'clear' of the things I want to take back. Some books, some cd's and some certificates. Everything else can stay or be chucked. It's difficult to think that I've worked my ass off to get to that point for it simply to be chucked out into the bin etc. In fact, the simple act of doing it makes everything seem real, like f__k, i'm actually doing this. Plus, I visited my Boss. He seems to be under the impression that I will be returning this time next year after my course is complete. I told him that that was unlikely. I really feel that this is 'it'. After all the trials and tribulations that I've had, I'm not sure that coming back would be a good idea. Too much stuff associated with Korea...not all of it good. Clearly.

anyway, anyway, anyway.

love.

noun/verb.
a strong feeling of deep affection for somebody.
that's what the dictionary says.

i haven't really spoken about the l+o+v+e word before. it's not manly. apparantly.
perhaps it's the jetlag, the ability to be so tired and hot and not actually get to sleep. instead of sleep there are only thoughts that pop into your head. random and non-random ones.

my only concern tonight is the that 4 lettered word l+o+v+e.

with it, anything is possible. without it, nothing is possible. is it possible to be so definite about those sentences?

I've been reading Brave New World and 1984 in which love is esstentially outlawed. In many ways, I can see why, however we need it. Everyone one of us.

What can I say on the subject that isn't cryptic or vague...o.k. here goes. I'm in love. There, i've said. I'll say it again, so there is no mistake. I'm in love. I am and it's a wonder feeling. But only for a split second, then I realise that the person i'm in love with doesn't want to recieve it. It's one way. After that split second, it's all down hill. It's the worst feeling in the world actually. So much time and effort spent giving and feeling it for nothing, for no reason. For nothing to come back in return and no way of making it 'come back' despite hours of imaginary conversation and infinite situations that you convince yourself that can and will happen no matter how unlikely they are. I suppose that makes me an optimist. Dare I say it, a romantic haha. Not really, just someone who would like love from that one special person. That special person that I can see myself waking up next to every morning and coming home to at night. Every night.

Instead, I've got an ache. An empty ache. A stark realisation that it's not going to happen and the special one will be lost and gone forever. In 2 weeks, it will happen. It will take nothing short of a miracle for that special one to not be lost and gone forever, but that miracle is not going to happen. There will be no happy ending no matter how much I want one. And I do want one. So much it hurts. So here I am unable to sleep, thinking of her. Only thinking of her. That's when the tears start. Haha, manly. They will not be the last this week or next week or the week after that.
But what to do? I don't know.
At times, i don't want to see her or speak to her or even contact it. It's too much. My heartbeat increases to almost panic proportions at the thought. But, on the flip side, I do what to see her, to speak to her and have contact with her. It's too much also. My heartbeat increases to almost panic proportions at the thought. The pf equivalent of 'butterflies'. I guess that's how 'I know'. The one utterance that only married people utter much to the bafflement of single people. Question:'How do you know?' Answer: 'You just do'. I can see that now.

One of my friends says about the future 'Only god knows'. I believed it. I'm stealing it back from god. I know but whether it will happen in reality, I can hope and hope is all I have at the moment. Oh yeah and love.

Such hope will depart when I leave Cheonan. I'll be back at the beginning. The beginning again. At almost 30.

Is that clear enough?

over/out

i've read that your life is already pre-determined at birth. I'd tend to disagree with that.

Particulary given how you thought things would turn out when in fact they turn out in a completely different fashion.

I hadn't considered leaving my nice, comfortable teaching position. My comfortable apartment and the country I find myself living in for the past 4.1/2 years. On the contrary, I thought i would be there for a long time with someone I really wanted to stay there with. alas, that has now disappeared and what I thought I wanted isn't even on the radar any longer. Taken away and not really having any great say into the matter.

It's been replaced with an alternative reality. One which will see me come full circle and return to Scotland to study at Edinburgh Uni. Back to reading and being skint and single hahaha.

I'm not sure it's what I want but what I want and what you can get are not always the same thing. I guess you have to find the best fit.

So, I offered my resignation. I'll return to Korea on Thursday and then in 2 weeks, I'll walk away. I'd like to go back incognito, get my stuff organised and then walk away. It would save me having to deal with all the emotional baggage that awaits me there, alas, that's not going to happen. I can turn off my phone which might minimise 'stuff' but at in the end, after 4.1/2 years simply switching off a phone will not be enough to protect from all the 'stuff'.

all things must pass.

and it does.